The whole point of this website (the fucking journal)
The contents of this blog should not be overly triggering or harmful, its not really a vent page, its more of an analyzation of my emotions and expirences, there will be trigger warnings at the top if there is any mentions of anything that I deem possibly "overly upsetting"
I get stuck in cycles, sometimes I feel like bad thing after bad thing will happen to me, and as soon as I start to heal from one bad thing another bad thing will happen, and suddenly moving on seems impossible. It’s exhausting and it leaves me wondering “what’s the point of healing if I’m just gonna end up getting hurt again.” I guess my answer to that is that stability, even for a short amount of time is worth the effort because.. I actually thought I knew but I don’t. Never mind. Sometimes I think I’m smarter than I actually am, and that I can explain every emotion I experience, and that there’s always a reason for experiencing these emotions. Thinking I can always find the words to explain my emotions… Admittedly most of the time I can, but I need to remind myself that there doesn’t always have to be a reason or a solution for emotions and I need to just let myself feel. I’m not a logical person, but I find myself searching for answers within my emotions, my obsession with being understood and validated makes me so inclined to find reasoning and explanations for how I feel. I just think that the most painful part is I will never truly be understood, no one will. Maybe god understands me, but even that I question. Don't be like me, nobody needs to understand you, not even yourself. Just kidding, I am not inclined to give any advice, never listen to me, thanks!
not saying these are the best songs or anything, but the lyrics are super relatable for me. its great for my self loathing and being dramatic.
I am not ashamed to admit that when I was younger I was a “I hate pink” girl. I never hated pink I loved pink, but pink was feminine, and I thought being feminine was weak. I wanted to be seen as strong, because I was strong. So at the age of 8 I boycotted the color, because I wasn’t a “weak girly girl”, I would not let people think that about me. And I kept up the tom boy facade for years. When I got into middle school I wanted to wear makeup, but makeup is feminine and femininity was weak, I was strong “like a boy.” So I ignored my feminine side. I ignored my desire to wear a skirt, or a pretty dress. I ignored my desire to put on some lipgloss or paint my nails. Now I’m not saying that I was being completely untrue to myself, I wasn’t. I did like video games, playing in the dirt, watching anime, superheroes, and fantasy novels (“boy stuff”) And I still do, but I also ignored my love for glitter, pretty dresses, red lipstick, jewelry, and fashion dolls because that was weak to me. I was not weak. Society has painted women as weak, it always has, it felt shameful to be a woman, and that’s really fucked up to me. Girls should never have to feel the need to prove to others that they are strong. When I was in 8th grade I started slowly embracing my feminine side. Sometimes I would wear jewelry, or paint my nails, sure I wouldn’t dare to wear a dress- but it was something. Hell sometime I even put on eyeliner- (absolutely shocking ik) I also had a girlfriend at the time, and I was just being introduced to the lgbtq+ community. The only wlw representation I really saw was masculine women with feminine women. I was dating a feminine woman. I think that played a part of forcing myself into the masculine box. In 9th grade I really took off- I started wearing feminine clothes and putting on makeup (this, still mixed with occasional anime tee shirts and sweats). Around that time my relationship was struggling majorly (genuinely a living nightmare). It got to the point where I could tell my girlfriend wasn’t attracted to me as much as before (if at all). I thought about what changed- and I looked at myself. Part of me wondered if it was because of how I looked, how I dressed, and that made me feel sick. Which I DID know that if that did actually play a part in the relationship issues, it wasn’t the main reason for it. My mental health was really rough, a long story that will probably not be told here. Anyways, after the relationship was over I found out she was cheating on me with some dude so, it kinda reinforced the fact that I wasn’t masculine enough, or at least at the time it did. I don’t really have those rose colored glasses anymore and I don’t think that her cheating on me was my fault, and that I should've been more masculine. After that relationship I really started embracing my femininity- I let my hair grow out and made a very fashionable friend (hiiii ellie) and started really locking in SOMETIMES when it came to putting effort into my appearance. That being said, 60% of the time I showed up to school looking “homeless” as my mom would say and I still do, so that has not changed. Now my mentality is completely different, femininity is beautiful and I am unapologetically proud to be a woman. That being said, if you couldn't tell, I think gender norms are completely useless. I wish we lived in a world where the words feminine and masculine didn’t need to exist, I wish behaviors and fashion choices were never labeled as “girl things” or “boy things”, because in all honesty, the only thing that keeps girls doing only “girl things” or boys doing only “boy things” is societal pressures, not (as some would argue) differences in our biology. With all of this being said, yes I am a feminist. I also feel the need to mention (due to the fact that this entire post is on gender) that I completely support trans lives and will always advocate for them. I truly believe that If I was born a boy my life would literally be hell and I would definitely at the very least CONSIDER transitioning. Although in a perfect world without these forced gender expectations on society, it leads to the question; would people even feel gender dysphoria without the constant pressures of society trying to fit them into a gendered box? Fuck knows.
I think one of the most humbling things I continue to experience is recognizing my stability is situational, realizing how quickly I'll go back to self destructive behaviors when I sense I'm losing someone, how fast I'll put myself back into bad cycles when someone hurts me. It makes me feel like my sanity is situational- like I have zero control over myself, and when I think I do? It's an illusion. Which I know that's probably not true- I know I've grown as a person and I'm probably being overly harsh on myself, but the feeling still sits on my mind; the idea that I am only stable because someone hasn't given me a reason not to be, and it hurts. It really does, it hurts to feel like my stability is out of my hands. So I’ll forever cherish the moments when my life is quiet, the moments when my friends don't hurt me, the moments when I don't have any reason to be angry, because I know, at any moment, It can all change.
I feel like there isn’t a more frustrating mix than being someone unserious and goofy constantly, but also being sensitive and longing to show emotions. Like how do I with a generally unserious persona talk about how I feel without it seeming strange or out of place. If you know me in person I am rarely serious, especially when talking about myself so it’s always so awkward when I say anything introspective or emotional, so I try to keep it to myself. This leads to people thinking I’m not a sensitive person (I am) and when I show negative reactions to triggering topics or experiences people become shocked. The shock that comes from these people only solidifies the idea in my mind that my emotions and sensitivity do not belong, making me more prone to hiding it- which in turn creates more external shock, and the cycle continues. So yeah- I created a public blog to cope with that, isn’t that sick? So now everyone can now how cool epic and introspective I am. If you know me in person, hiiiii! Public vulnerability, sickkkkk!
